The Best Ways to Handle Teen Anger, According to Psychologists
You probably expected to get some attitude once your kid hit the teen years. However, the constant eye-rolling, lip-smacking, and “You make me sick!” outbursts may be harder to handle than you imagined. It’s like your teen can skyrocket from calm to furious within the blink of an eye. If you're being honest with yourself, the perpetual outrage concerns you, and likely pisses you off, too. But before you lose your cool, take a breather. How you deal with your teen’s anger can either bring the two of you closer — or push you further apart.
First off: What’s the difference between angst and anger?
The term “teen angst” gets thrown around so much that you probably assume your kid's anger issues are all a part of that. However, angst and anger are different. “In general, angst entails anxiety, dread, or apprehension regarding the future,” says Bernard Golden, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Healthy Anger: How to Help Children and Teens Make Sense of and Manage Anger in Everyday Life. Anger, on the other hand, is about what happened or what your teen believes should or should have happened, he says. So, for example, if your teen feels apprehensive about taking the SAT practice test, she may be moody or pessimistic. That’s teenage angst. But if she already took the test and bombed it, she may be angry at herself and express it by snapping at people or ripping up her test results. Dr. Golden says increased anxiety can make teens more vulnerable to anger. Therefore, it’s possible that angst and anger can occur together, or that your teen's anger may be a result of angst.
Why are teens so full of angst, anyway?
The adolescent years are filled with anxiety, frustration, fear, and other things that fall under the umbrella of teenage angst. Many teens don’t know how to process those feelings, so it can all come bubbling out as anger.
Part of it is physiology: “The hormonal changes that occur during adolescence make teens more volatile and more likely to be expressive rather than reflective,” says Dr. Bernard. Furthermore, the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, planning, and decision-making, is still not fully developed in teens, so their emotions tend to override rational thoughts, he adds.
Teens also have a lot of stuff they’re trying to manage: school, homework, extracurricular activities, changing dynamics in friendships and relationships, social media, possibly a part-time job, and pressure to make huge life decisions like what college to attend. It can be overwhelming.
Other reasons for a teen’s hair-trigger temper are they’re feeling misunderstood, they’re cranky because they’re not getting enough sleep, or — a big one — they want more independence. As teens get older, they seek more autonomy and want more input in decision-making, says Mitch Abblett, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Helping Your Angry Teen: How to Reduce Anger and Build Connection Using Mindfulness and Positive Psychology. If you’re constantly telling your teen what to do, offering up unwanted advice, or getting after him if he makes a decision you don’t agree with, it's probably infuriating him.
Anger itself isn’t bad.
Even though it may not feel like it when your teen is lashing out, her anger is normal. “Anger is a natural human emotion; it’s a message that your teen feels a need of hers is being threatened,” says Dr. Abblett. It could be she’s feeling hurt, frustrated, powerless, or her sense of security or safety or the need for connection isn’t being met.
Anger isn’t the problem; it’s the way it is expressed. "Anger is an emotion; aggression is behavior," says Dr. Golden. "There’s a big difference between feeling angry and talking about what you’re feeling, being able to work through it, and just acting it out by yelling, screaming, or breaking things," he says. The goal is to get your teen to do more of the former than the latter.
If anger is out of control, it may be a mental health issue.
If your teen is engaging in unsafe or illegal behavior like substance abuse, self-harm, or getting in physical altercations; the anger is pervasive and happening with many people (not just one person); or the emotional tenor in your home is always negative and stressful, it's time to seek help from a professional, Dr. Abblett says. Cognitive behavioral therapy (also known as talk therapy) can be helpful in these situations.
Sometimes anger could be associated with mental health conditions like bipolar disorder, depression, and substance abuse, says Christine B. L. Adams, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist and co-author of Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships. “Psychiatrists can dispense any necessary medications like antidepressants or mood stabilizers, and both psychologists and psychiatrists can refer teens for substance abuse treatment,” she says.
Some ways of handling your teen’s emotions are better than others.
If your high schooler is displaying more of the typical variety of teen anger, there are ways to minimize the number of blow-ups the two of you have by following these guidelines.
- Don’t snap. Yes, it’s difficult not to flip out when your teen yells or says something crazy. “But if you respond by raising your voice, you’re going to cause an escalation of anger,” Dr. Bernard says. Instead, if you lower your voice and speak more slowly, your teen may do the same because emotions are contagious.
- Press pause. If things get too heated, walk away. Say, “It seems like our brains are too hot. Let’s continue this discussion when things cool down some,” Dr. Abblett says. Allow your teen to tell you if she needs a breather.
- Listen. We know you’re busy and don’t always have the time to hear about the latest school drama. However, saying, “It’s not that serious,” “Just get over it,” or worse, tuning your teen out — makes her feel unheard and disrespected, Dr. Abblett says. As much as possible, listen to your teen. Then, validate her feelings. “That doesn’t mean you agree with what she’s saying, but it shows you understand this particular thing matters to her,” he adds. If you can’t listen to your teen at the moment, let her know when you’re available.
- Model healthy emotions. “As a parent, you can tell your teen how you think they should behave and give them all kinds of strategies, but if you’re mishandling your own anger — yelling, screaming or doing something else that’s not constructive — your behavior is going to override whatever you’re telling your teen to do,” Dr. Bernard says. First, you must learn to manage your outbursts. Then allow your teen to see you work through it sometimes so she has an example to follow.
- Stop babying your teen. Treating your teen like a young adult and less like a young child may help reduce some of her anger. First, drop the bossy tone and authoritative stance. “Speak to your teen almost as you would to a coworker or other adult,” Dr. Abblett says. That’s not to say you’re going to let your teen walk all over you or you won’t set limits. “You’re saying to your teen, ‘I’m going to talk to you like a human being who has a degree of judgment and maturity because you do,’” he explains. Also, allow your teen opportunities to do age-appropriate things, such as meeting up with friends at a movie theater or making more decisions about her school activities and schedules. Not only will this help tame the anger, it'll help her hone the decision-making and problem-solving skills she'll need in adulthood.
- Set anger limits. Your teen needs to know it’s not okay to throw things, berate or curse at others, or get physically aggressive when upset, Dr. Abblett says. If she does, she needs to be held accountable, by repairing or paying for any damages, for example, or apologizing if she offended or hurt someone.
- Offer constructive options. Many teens lash out because they don’t know other ways to express what they’re feeling. Offer some suggestions for better outlets (when your teen is calm and not in the throes of a screaming fit). Deep breathing, writing in a journal, physical activity like walking or boxing, or listening to music can help ease frustration.