Signs Your Child May Have a Toxic Friend—and What to Do About It
It’s normal if you don’t love all of your child’s friends. Your kids are allowed to have friends that aren’t exactly your cup of tea, and it’s important to let your child explore different kinds of friendships. But sometimes your child has a friend who goes beyond unlikable. Sometimes your child has a friend who you’d describe as toxic or who exhibits toxic behavior.
If your child has a toxic friend, you might not know what to do exactly. Should you intervene, and how? We connected with experts to help us understand toxic friends, including signs your child’s friendship is toxic, how to talk to them about it, when to seek help, and more.
How Experts Define a Toxic Friend
You might be wondering what a toxic friend is, exactly. Emily Zeller, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder at Zeller & Co. Therapy, describes a toxic friend as someone who “consistently behaves in ways that drain, manipulate, or harm your child—emotionally, socially, or even physically.”
Additionally, toxic friendships involve specific patterns of unhealthy behavior, according to Zeller. These may include:
- Constant negativity, including putting your child down, mocking them in some way, or making them feel bad about themselves.
- Control or possessiveness, such as dictating who they can talk to, or getting irrationally angry when they spend time with others.
- Drama and manipulation, which may involve guilt-tripping, spreading rumors, or coming up with "tests" to prove loyalty.
- One-sidedness, like always taking but never giving support in return.
- Peer pressure, including encouraging risky behaviors (substance use, skipping school, or bullying others).
Signs Your Child Has a Toxic Friendship
It’s not always obvious when your child is in a toxic friendship. Often, kids don’t have the vocabulary or awareness to fully grasp what they’re experiencing.
“Kids don’t always have the words for ‘this relationship feels off,’ but their behavior and mood will tell you everything,” explains Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, an anxiety, trauma, and attachment therapist based in Los Angeles.
So what are some signs that your child may be in a toxic friendship? According to Groskopf, if your kid starts acting differently than usual—such as quieter, more “on edge,” or if they seem to be pulling away from people they previously trusted—it’s a sign that something may be wrong.
It can also be helpful to observe them after they’ve spent time with a friend you think might be toxic. “Watch how they are after they hang out with this friend,” Groskopf recommends. “Are they drained? Irritable? Sad? Those emotional shifts are data.”
How to Talk to Your Child About Their Toxic Friend
Just as it can be challenging for your child to identify a toxic friendship, it can be hard for them to talk about what is going on. When that’s the case, Groskopf recommends against conveying your feelings too strongly. “As tempting as it is, this is where you don’t go full parent mode and start badmouthing the friend,” she advises. “That’ll just push your kid closer to them.”
Instead, Groskopf recommends that you “get curious.” She suggests asking questions like: “Do you feel safe being totally yourself around them?” or “What happens if you disagree—can you speak up?”
You can also ask them about how it feels in their body when they are around the person. “The goal isn’t to label the friend—it’s to help your kid listen to their own inner alarm system,” Groskopf describes.
What If Your Child Doesn't View Their Friendship As Toxic?
It might very well happen that despite some gentle nudging, your child just doesn’t see how toxic their friendship is. What should you do in that situation?
Zeller says that instead of labeling their friend as “bad,” you can try these approaches with your child:
- Ask open-ended questions, such as: “How do you feel when you’re around them?”
- Encourage self-reflection and help them notice patterns; you can say something like: “I’ve noticed you seem really down after hanging out with them. Have you felt that way too?”
- Model healthy relationships, which might look like pointing out what respect, trust, and mutual care look like in friendships
- Support your child’s autonomy—instead of demanding they cut ties with their toxic friend, guide them toward setting healthy boundaries
- Resist the urge to outright ban the friendship; this typically only backfires and makes them defensive
When to Reach Out for Help
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we can’t fully support our child in this situation on our own. This is where enlisting some professional help can make a world of difference.
How to know if it’s time to get help from a licensed mental health professional or school counselor? Here are some signs, according to Zeller:
- Your child’s mood or behavior has significantly changed for the worse
- Bullying, substance use, or unsafe behavior is involved
- Your child is engaging in self-harm or expressing thoughts of hopelessness
- Your child is unable to set boundaries or leave the toxic friendship on their own
- Your efforts at home aren’t making a difference
Groskopf recommends a proactive approach here. In other words, don’t wait for the issue to grow bigger and bigger. Reach out to a pediatrician, health care specialist, or therapist at the first sign that your child’s toxic friendship is impacting their mental health.
“A therapist can help your kid figure out what’s happening in the friendship, how to speak up for themselves, and how to build boundaries without going full shutdown,” Groskopf emphasizes. Together, you and a mental health professional can figure out the best route for your child.