Phrases to Avoid Saying to a Grieving Friend
When someone we care
about is going through a rough time, we naturally want to support them. It
could be with comforting words, or with practical help. But some situations in
life are so complicated they can leave us at a loss for words. A friend whose
parent or loved one is battling a fatal illness is one such circumstance.
Despite good intentions, many people tend to repeat a few hackneyed phrases
that might actually do more harm than good. Of course, the aim is the absolute
opposite. It is understandable that you might not be sure what’s the best thing
to say in such a difficult moment.
This list contains 5 phrases that are best to avoid when consoling someone and some alternatives you might like to use.
1. Avoid Comparison
“My uncle had the
exact same thing and he got better”. This may sound like an offering of hope,
but it’s important to remember every individual is different, and each person’s
body reacts differently to different conditions. Another form of comparison is
saying “I know what it feels like”. Even if you have gone through something
similar yourself, resist comparing. This is about your loved one and their
experience. Instead, ask them how they feel, and try to attend to their
needs as best as you can.
2. Have
You Tried That Thing I Recommended?
Diets, essential oils, new treatments that you read about
online. It is better to avoid such attempts to “fix” the problem, especially if
you are not a medical expert. Even if you know of someone who was cured thanks
to a certain new treatment, remember the no comparison rule.
3. Be
Careful with Religious Remarks
Phrases such as “They are going to a better place” or “God
never gives you more than you can handle” are common. Remember that not
everyone shares the same belief system and such comments can sometimes be
perceived as insensitive. The latter can even be interpreted as judgmental,
implying one is weak for feeling emotionally and physically exhausted.
Unless your absolutely positive your friend shares your faith, it may be
better to avoid bringing up God in the conversation.
4. I
Could Never Handle What You’re Going Through
This statement can feel isolating to the person grieving.
They did not choose to be in this situation, and no one feels ‘capable’
or 'prepared' enough to deal with illness and death. They are just doing the
best they can during a hard period in their lives. Such a saying implies that
you are in a completely separate state when they need you with them the
most.
5. Dying
is A Natural Part of Life
Pointing out that ‘everyone dies’ in some way or another is
unhelpful. It implies the death of their loved one is something your friend
will just get over after a while. Instead, let them feel comfortable to vent
their feelings to you, and just listen. Sometimes people just want to talk,
without being offered any ‘words of wisdom’.
T