Coping with the loss of my dear husband
Friends, sorry that I didn't put any post for the last 10 days. My dear husband left for his heavenly abode on his birthday, 6th August, so, now it is his death day too.
He was suffering with some minor ailments first after doing the last rites for his eldest brother, last June. Then his problems just kept on increasing each month. He had undergone first unstable angina, when 2 stents were put in 2003, in 2012, after we shifted down south to a gated community within 2 months had heart attack, underwent double-bypass surgery. I took him alone to the hospital after his attack, as children are settled abroad. Then in 2015, he had unstable angina, on his birthday, rushed him to the hospital, as he had continuous attacks, and his potassium and creatine being high, the doctors asked me after a couple of hours to give in writing that I was willing to undertake the risk of him going through angiography. It was found that another major artery was blocked, but with his condition they couldn't put the stent as his kidneys were partially functioning.
Life went on with some minor problem on and off till last June. I never knew that doing the last rites for his brother ( as his brother's son didn't want to come to do the rites), that my husband would suffer so much. Many elders here said that if the person for whom one does the rites is full of negativity, one does suffer. My husband, a true Leo, had the heart of a lion, always helping anyone who asked for help, he never knew to say NO. He was a perfectionist, his staff who didn't know much English when they joined said, he taught them everything ( this they told my son, when they came from distant places to give their condolences in person now).
In January, hubby was passing blood with his stools. I was worried, being a cancer survivor myself, took him to see the gastroenterologist, to rule out colon cancer. He underwent colonoscopy. I think that time, he got mild COVID, though we both had our booster dose. In February, he was coughing with phlegm, took him for his cardiac appointment, but his condition had worsened by then, that the cardio couldn't test him, as he was very breathless. Rushed him to ER, asked the Dr. there, why aren't you giving him the injection that the cardio had prescribed, the Dr. said that his BP was just 100/40, at that point they can't give him anything till his condition stabilised. Once he was slightly stable he was taken for CT scan, then they told me he has pneumonia, with his heart condition, he was shifted to ICU, where he had a mild heart attack, which was told to me next morning when I went to visit him. At this point of time too, I was alone. Then PCR test was positive, he was shifted to COVID ward, but told him to shift to an isolation room, as some in the ward had worse condition. In 5 days, he was discharged.
In December, his right big toe had got stuck in the mat, where there was a hole, he pulled his leg, the nail had come out, being a diabetic, he had no pain, didn't realise that he was bleeding from his toe for almost 10 minutes, as he was talking to one friend after another. Then as he went t wear his footwear, the gardeners sitting there asked him what happened to his leg, then when he looked down saw the blood. In the mean time, like Sherlock Holmes, a man from the kitchen traced his blood trail and came to him, took him by hand to the nurse, who dressed him. Next morning, the bed sheet had lots of blood stains, daughter( a Dr.) said to take him to a bigger clinic as his nail has come out and needs to be pulled out. The physician pulled out his nail without any anesthesia, as he said he has no feelings at all in his leg ! Being a heart patient, he is on blood thinner, so he kept bleeding for a long time, the physician had to give blood clotting injection, then bandaged on top of the bandage again, sent him home with some medication.
At first, I was taking him to the clinic for dressing, then the physician said you can do the dressing. By beginning January kept telling the physician that I'm not happy with the colour of the skin just behind where the toe should be. He said nothing wrong. Anyway his next problems in Jan. & Feb. made me forget about that, as I was busy with his new problems, also I had to be admitted as antibiotics didn't work, my fever was going high, needed hospitalisation by end Feb.
By mid- March, found the skin on top of his right foot was getting pink, first thought must be due to some insect bite, but when the top of the foot started turning pink, took him to the physician, he said skin infection, how it could happen, he said in many ways, by even scratching oneself. He was given antibiotics. By the end of March saw the infection spreading to his leg. Took him to the vascular surgeon in a big hospital as he had comorbidities. The surgeon said because of his heart and kidney condition best to admit him as he can monitored while he was treated with antibiotics through IV and orally. He said for 4-5 days admission. But the days stretched beyond a fortnight, as the infection had spread below his foot and the point came where the surgeon said that he may need amputation of his toe or even part of his foot. Hubby kept asking me what will I do? I said that I'll still take care of him but feel sad that he neglected his health ( as he loved sweets, would never stop eating it, needed pickles, salty snack and at times added extra salt, all which were bad for his health). I kept praying to Shirdi Sai Baba and Lord Ganesha to save his foot. God answered my prayers, foot was saved, but a deep cut from below the toe about 5" was made to remove all the infection.
His foot was on vacuum bandage, and every 5 days had to go to the hospital to change the bandage. by mid May, I had to rush him to the hospital as he was running high fever, he was so incoherent, that I was getting scared by the blank look he had. Then our daughter ( a Dr. in US), said to check his oxygen level, it had dropped to 85. I then remembered what I was telling those who had COVID to keep sniffing camphor and ajwain/ carom seeds, which I tied in a little kerchief told him to keep sniffing till we reached the hospital, his oxygen levels increased to 93-94, or else he'ld have been on ventilator. After the initial routine treatment in ER, he was taken to ICU, next evening, he had CT scan- the report was normal, he was sent to the room. But within 2 hours, he was breathless, complained of chest pain, called the nurse, she came with the Dr. to take ECG, but hubby couldn't lie down as he was very breathless and sweating profusely ( normally, diabetics don't sweat when they have heart attack, nor did he, earlier). Hubby was rushed to ICU, where around midnight, I was asked to come to the ICU as he had multiple heart attacks and was critical.
I was so scared as to what the Dr. was going to say as almost for a minute, he just kept looking at me, as I was alone, then he asked is anyone with me, I said NO. Then he asked how many kids I've and where are they. I told him both aren't in India. Then again silence, I felt like eternity as to what was the news next. He said your husband is very critical due to multiple heart attacks, he needed my consent for intubation if necessary. I just signed the form, came to the room, cried to my heart's content. Then called our kids, told our son to come soon catching the 1st available flight from UK. Our son-in-law had come that morning, as I called him as I was scared by the blank look of my husband. As son-in-law hadn't slept the whole night as he had to be at the airport by 4.30, sent him home that evening, after hubby was sent to the room. After midnight called him to come immediately to the hospital.
God gave an extension of life from mid May till August 6th, with twice admission once in June as he was again breathless and in July to stitch his wound. On 31st July, I had taken him to his surgeon to see if he can remove his stitches. While dressing the wound, the surgeon asked him when is he due for cardiac checkup ? This he told me the next day. The surgeon told me to change the dressing on Thursday and meet him on Monday morning. On Wednesday got blood tests done for his thyroid, which the cardio wanted and renal function test which the nephrologist wanted. On Thursday-4th when I took him to the hospital, he was getting slightly breathless while walking few steps, once he sat down in few seconds he was normal. The cardio told him get admitted, he said that he is tired of being admitted for the last so many months, to prescribe some tablet. He was asked to take a tablet on 4th & 5th at 2 pm, get blood tests done on Sunday, meet the cardio on Monday morning, then his surgeon to remove the stitches.
As hubby was getting breathless walking to the restroom, I didn't allow him to go unless he wanted to do potty, as I had urinal to do only on the bed. He was feeling bad and kept saying I feel guilty to wake you up practically even 90 minutes at night, as I sleep soundly. Told him that neither is he a burden to me nor do I lose my sleep, as I was caring for him whole day, giving him bath and so on, I said at night I go back to sleep at once. On Friday night, around 2.30, after passing urine, he said that he could feel his heart pumping blood. In May, after his multiple heart attacks, the cardio told me that only 35-40% of his heart is functioning. I realised that his heart is slowly failing. That morning by 5.45 I saw him get up, I said why don't you sleep, as he was constipated the previous day, I had given him laxative, so he wanted to do potty,I held his hand and took him ( as his hemoglobin was 8, with bandage on his foot, weak heart and kidneys, he was unstable) to the potty, helped him sit down. Once he finished, helped him get up, asked him to brush his teeth, he said that he doesn't have the strength, he'll just gargle. I said fine. Held his hand, got him to the living room, made him sit on the sofa/ couch, and kept his thyroxin / eltroxin tablet minimum dose was prescribed as his thyroid function was poor. He was breathless, showed by action that he'll take it. I wished him happy birthday, dialed our daughter's number spoke to her and gave him the phone and went to the restroom, brushed and came back. He told the daughter, your mom is taking too long to brush. He was scared as his heart was failing and due to his phobia can't be alone. I rushed back, gave him coffee, asked him shall I take you to the hospital, he nodded, called for the taxi by 8, as I had to get things ready, clothes, his and my medicines, his files and so on. Then while I was getting things ready, he said call the ambulance. I said, I'll quickly shower in 5 minutes, then call, as I've not packed things, though I got things ready. Called the ambulance, it was here in 20 minutes, as we stay 16 km away from the hospital. Taking 3 steps, he sat on the stretcher, was breathless, showed by hand wait and wanted oxygen, they said it is in the ambulance and wheeled him quickly into it, kept oxygen mask and the nurse kept the leads for ECG, by that time, after locking the house, climbed on the ambulance, he had breathed his last, the ECG line was straight. The nurse did CPR, to revive him, gave him an injection, asked for the nearest hospital, 3 km away. But his heart was dead by then. To be honest, seeing him suffer for the last 1 year, I'ld not take it any longer, as he felt bad thinking that he is making me work. though any amount of assurance didn't help, as being a thyroid cancer patient with COPD and so on, was breathless myself. Even if he had survived, the quality of life would have been bad, glad that God gave him relief from his suffering.
Today is the 10th day, still I can feel him around watching me, calling out to me at times. Yes, I miss him, as 49 years of my life I have spent with him under his love and care. I'll miss him, but sadly life has to go on. My son wants to take me for a change, but after that coming back to emptiness will be worse, it will be better to continue here as my friends are there, I intend to start teaching the needy students to keep my mind busy and continue with my crochet, as I feel happy making amigurumi, for which I didn't any time for the last so many months, got to finish the bunny and finish the loop and stitch the button for the tiny bear with overall.
My friends, I know it is a big blow to miss your dear spouse of 49 years. But for the sake of my children and grandchildren have to live as long as I'm destined to. People say that I'm brave as I've never asked for help for any of our friends to rush him to the hospital each time, managed it all myself. Now, with his blessings and love, shall continue to live the way he liked me to do so.
I wish to encourage others through this that we've to face destiny, be bold, don't buckle under any pressure. Keep your mind busy doing things that you love doing, what makes you happy. Learn to live for yourself not the way the society wants you to live. Your life, be happy doing what you love doing, that's what I'm going to do. Let others talk, don't bother, as we've no control over their tongues, be happy that you can control your life. Be happy, keep smiling. Think of the present, as future is very unpredictable.