17 Ways To Be More Positive, According to Psychologists
Since getting engaged mid-pandemic, I’ve been on a perpetual hunt for a sparkly white dress that I may never wear to the bachelorette party I may never have. Even with all the positive vaccine developments, I warn myself not to get my hopes up…then continue scrolling in pursuit of that perfect LWD to hang in my closet until TBD.
As a journalist, I’m all about the five Ws and one H—who, what, where, when, why, and how. But except for “why” (love ya, Andy!), I don’t have any answers. Looking forward to something that suddenly won’t happen became the name of the game early in the pandemic. But after 15 months, the onslaught of canceled events and postponed life paths has been damn disappointing, no way around it.
Optimism? In this economy?
The truth is, even if you’ve only got pennies of positivity left, it’s worth the investment. Optimism is associated with an 11 to 15 percent longer life span and greater odds of achieving “exceptional longevity” (living it up after age 85), according to one 2019 study. The psychological benefits abound, too: Looking on the bright side makes you feel happier and less stressed, says psychologist Erlanger Turner, PhD, an assistant professor at Pepperdine University. So, contrary to the catchy saying, when you’re here for a good time, you’re likely here for a long time too.
As important as this sunnier outlook is to your health, getting your hopes up after a long stretch of blah can make you feel like Charlie Brown kicking that ever-elusive football. Yet envisioning future joy actually allows us to experience a small part of what it might be like if it happens, says clinical psychologist Emily Anhalt, PhD, cofounder of Coa, a start-up offering emotional fitness classes and therapy. Case in point: Planning a trip can make you happier than taking it, per oft-cited research that feels almost too relevant. Those canceled excursions? Your brain benefited just by booking ’em.
Taking the plunge into positivity may seem scary, but opening yourself up to the possibility of celebrations and milestones can help you make it happen (at some point). Here’s how.
1. Uncancel your calendar.
That honeymoon trip to Italy you planned for months disappeared overnight, and—there’s no other way to put this—that sucks. Though you don’t know when you’ll be able to say “ciao” to an international vacation again, you can still look forward to someday while celebrating today. Anhalt suggests throwing a themed party to serve as a “stand-in until it’s safe.” Think: authentic-style food (takeout totally counts!), cultural music, destination-inspired decorations, whatever excites you.
Not in a gathering mood? Plan a road trip with your S.O. or besties to a secluded Airbnb for some low-key R&R. Either way, you’ll “bring a little bit of the prospective joy to the present moment,” Anhalt says.
2. Envision your ambition.
Visualizing the future you want is a powerful way to not only look forward to it happening IRL but actually help make it a reality. “When you set an intention, you start to make all kinds of microdecisions to move toward it,” says Anhalt. Enter vision boards. With whatever craft materials you have at home, DIY your destiny. “Manifesting those ‘good vibes’ helps you self-actualize your goals,” adds Turner.
Say you want to buy a home. Creating a vision board that imagines what it will look like can save you from the temptation of that online shoe sale. Because you can see the big picture (literally), you’re more motivated to preserve dollars.
3. Seek out the activities that bring you joy—no matter how small.
One of the biggest misconceptions people have about positivity and happiness is that these emotions just happen, says Dr. Erin Olivo, PhD, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of the Center for Wise Mind Living. When you’re feeling sad or angry, you can usually point to a specific instance that caused those feelings (a fight with your friend, getting passed up for a job opportunity, etc.). But it’s not always easy to recognize that feelings like joy or love can also be triggered by particular activities or events—even when you find yourself down in the dumps.
How do you know what will trigger your happiness? Well, that’s up to you. Got a song that always makes you want to dance? Put it on. Or, if playing with your dog always lifts your spirits, make time throughout the day for fetch, work on a new trick, or just watch them be the adorable doofus they are all on their own.“Everyone has to figure out what their own triggers are for joy or love or excitement, and once you know what some of those are, you can actively seek those out,” explains Olivo.
4. Keep a gratitude journal.
In three related studies published in the Journal of Personalty and Social Psychology in 2003, scientists researching different ways a person can be more positive concluded that giving thanks shouldn’t be reserved just for the fourth Thursday in November. Keeping a gratitude journal is as easy as taking a few minutes every night to write down three things that happened that day that you are grateful for. Not only will this practice encourage you to appreciate the positive moments in your life, but you’ll also start to look out for all those things you're grateful for throughout the day.
One pro tip from Olivo, though, is to be as specific as possible in expressing your gratitude for the day. Don’t just write that you’re happy the sun was shining. Say that you’re happy you were able to take a break from work by taking a walk around the block in the sunshine, and it left you feeling refreshed. “We’re actually trying to generate a feeling,” she says. “We’re not just trying to do the task of ‘make a list.’”
5. Do something for someone else.
Nothing wrong with the “treat yourself” mentality, but if you want to feel happier longer, it might be better to adopt a “treat others” mentality. Feeling like you’re contributing or being of service to others has been shown to give individuals a longer-lasting hit of dopamine than doing something for yourself, according to Olivo. So, the next time you’re treating yourself to a latte, consider treating the person behind you in line as well.
6. Meditate.
If you’ve been skeptical of the thousand and one mindfulness apps that have taken off in the past year, now might be the moment to actually give one a try. Both Thompson and Olivo recommended mediation as a way to calm your body and quiet the outside chatter. Meditation practice also helps you to focus your mind, which means you can work on choosing to focus on an experience (like, say, an awkward first date) as a whole, instead of just zeroing in on the negatives.
7. Accept that the world is chaotic.
As much as you plan and schedule and think ahead, there are some things you just can’t control (sorry, but that superpower is currently out of stock). Once you accept that, you can spend less time wishing you could change all those chaotic things you simply cannot, explains Patricia Thompson, PhD, a corporate psychologist and creator of the 21 Day Crash Course in Emotional Intelligenceaccept. “It is obviously something that you don’t want, but by fighting against it in your own mind, all you’re doing is adding additional layers of angst and anxiety on top of an unwanted situation,” she says.
Instead, use that time and energy to make a clear-headed decision about what you can do in a particular situation. (Case in point: A global pandemic. You can't control how the rest of the world acts, but you can choose to take proper safety precautions for yourself.) There will always be things that seem unfair or are unequal, but rather than harping on those injustices, think about how you can make things better.
8. Get out into nature.
As much as spending the weekend bingeing Netflix sounds like a great idea, taking a moment outside will do wonders for your mood. A 2019 study from the U.K. published in Scientific Reports found that spending two hours a week outside helps boost both your physical and mental health. Don’t feel like you need to spend two hours on a strenuous hike, though—Thompson says that even an easy walk in the park will do the trick.
9. Don’t give into negativity bias.
At the end of the day, do you ever find yourself still thinking about the one bad thing that happened as opposed to the dozens of great things? You’re not alone—and if you’re looking for something to blame... blame your brain. According to Olivo, the brain is built to keep you alive, which means it’s wired to scan your environment constantly for everything that could go wrong or whatever might bring you harm. This also means that brains have a tendency to focus on the negative, in general, over the positive, which is known as “negativity bias.”
But just because your brain is biased doesn’t mean you have to be. By regularly choosing to focus on the positive in a situation or seeking out the positive things in your environment (partner, family, friends), you can help train your brain to be less reactive to negative circumstances, Olivo says.
10. Write a gratitude letter.
This practice takes being a more thankful person to the next level. There are definitely those ride-or-die people in your life whom you may or may not have ever told how grateful you are for them. Let those VIPs know how much they mean to you by writing them a gratitude letter, describing all the ways they’ve impacted you. Thompson pretty much guarantees this will make both them and you have a better outlook on life.
11. Understand that you’re in charge of your emotions.
Maybe you’re someone who’s come to this article because you know you have a tendency to be a little negative (hey, we've all been there). FYI: It's not “just the way you are.” The fact that you focus on how things are going wrong more than others is partly due to the behaviors you saw modeled growing up and your personal experiences, Olivo explains.
But trying to be a more optimistic person can start with the simple decision to be a more optimistic person. “Our emotions are not just something that happens to us,” Olivo says. “We can actively affect change in our emotions. We get to decide how we’re going to feel.” How you react to a situation, how you approach a situation, and how quickly you bounce back from a situation are all things that you (yes, you) can control.
12. Exercise, eat right, and get enough sleep.
Olivo refers to these three as “all those things that your mother said,” and, turns out, Mom was right all along. Fulfilling these basic needs will help you be less vulnerable to negative feelings, she says. Granted, you might not feel motivated to go on a run or snack on an apple instead of a cookie all day, every day, but the more you do, the more likely you’ll be able to generate positive feelings in your life.
13. Grin and bear it.
There’s a reason why people say to fake it 'til you make it. No matter how much you don’t feel like it, there is some scientific evidence that smiling helps you feel better. The act itself sends a signal to the brain that helps calm the negative thoughts you might be having and releases those feel-good neurotransmitters (like dopamine) that help bring on the warm and fuzzies.
Now, comes the “bear it” part. It's all about taking a more optimistic approach to the world as it is and believing you are resilient, explains Thompson. “Positive people face the same challenges as more pessimistic people,” she says. “However, because they have an underlying belief that they can withstand the inevitable challenges in life, they do, indeed bounce back more quickly.”
That ability to bounce back more quickly will also help you in other aspects of your life. Optimism has been linked to better success in business and happier relationships, per Thompson, mostly because being positive often means you’re a more persistent person. And if you’re persistent, you’re probably more likely to succeed.
14. Take the negative when it comes.
No matter how much you adopt the previous tips into your life, there’s no guarantee that you won’t encounter some bumps in the road. In fact, the guarantee might be that you will experience a setback at some time—you're human, after all. But if you’re able to experience negative and positive emotions together, this balance helps give you more perspective, Olivo says.
This is similar to the idea that losing something helps you see how much it mattered to you, she explains. (Laid off from your job? Remind yourself of everything you accomplished, and take pride in that.) “The more you can bring in the positive, it might not help you immediately today to be more positive, but all the research shows that it will help feel more positive down the road,” Olivo adds.
15. Have an encouraging mantra at the ready.
It can also help to be your own cheerleader when you do experience setback (think the mat talk from Cheer). Dr. Thompson suggests telling yourself things “You can do this,” “You’ll get through this,” “You’re doing your best,” and “You’ve got this” will help you get through those tough times.
16. Remember that it’s a journey.
Becoming a positive person doesn’t just happen overnight. You are trying to rewire your brain’s natural instincts, after all. But as long as you consistently work at having a more positive outlook, your mind will eventually follow. “You’re truly training your brain,” says Olivo, “You’re training your brain to do something different than what it even wants to do.”
17. Trust your future self.
If you’ve thought, “How the heck is that going to happen?” roughly a zillion times during the pandemic, you and I have something in common. But bad news: Trying to solve potential problems before they exist prevents us from looking forward to a special life moment and from living in the present one, says Turner.
How to achieve cautious optimism balanced by an understanding of life’s inevitable ebbs and flows? Invest in what’s true right now by focusing on what you’re thankful for (friendships, family, health, etc.), and trust that your future self will be able to handle whatever life serves up, says Anhalt. (After all, your past self has already survived the better part of a pandemic—you got this, for real!)
When in doubt, find ways to remind yourself of what you’ve already achieved and to elevate your confidence in going after goals without being weighed down by what-if worries.
For me? That means buying the white dress—and trusting that my future self will figure out a time and place to wear it, even if it’s just the backyard.