4 Subtle Signs of Emotional Unavailability to Look Out For
Chances are, you may have already experienced a few signs of emotional unavailability without even realizing. Perhaps you’ve fallen for the classic commitment-phobe who has you constantly second-guessing where you stand. Or you’ve run into cases of people building walls and detaching after getting hurt in the past.
At its core, “being emotionally unavailable means you have difficulty expressing your feelings and being open or intimate in your relationships,” a Therapist SELF. But just because someone closes themselves off doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care about you. Rather, they might not know how to show it. Some folks are also better at sharing their feelings than others, whether it’s because of how they were raised or simply due to different communication styles. In certain cases, though, holding back can be a subconscious defense mechanism—your mind’s way of protecting you from being let down, Lurie says. (The less you know, the less “exposed” they are to getting their heart broken.)
“It can be really scary to be intimate with others, and it takes a lot of courage and bravery to do that,” Lurie points out. However, authentic, secure relationships—where you’re loved for your true self—are built on trust, openness, and vulnerability. Without those, it’s nearly impossible to experience that kind of fulfilling connection.
To start breaking down these barriers, you first have to understand what emotional unavailability looks like. Here are a few major signs.
1. They’re sending mixed messages.
It’s easy to mistake emotional unavailability for someone just not being into you, but they’re not the same thing. In other words, a person can genuinely want to be with you yet still have trouble opening up—kind of like how they can be very in touch with their feelings…just not with you.
To figure out the difference, a licensed therapist in Boca Raton, Florida and author, tells SELF to look for inconsistencies in their behaviors. For example, maybe this person is typically quick to text back or call you when they say they will. But once the conversation turns to deeper subjects (about their past relationships, mental health struggles, or next steps in your love life), they pull away, becoming less responsive or offering short, curt, and uncharacteristic replies.
In these situations, emotional distance is likely at play, experts say. Whereas if someone’s simply not looking to date you, you’ll know it’s a lack of interest because there’s zero effort being put into the relationship, even with shallow stuff. Speaking of which…
2. They keep conversations surface-level.
You’re probably not going to dive into your complex childhood trauma or deepest insecurities with just anyone. But with your partner? You should be comfortable sharing those parts of yourself (eventually).