9 Habits All Assertive People Share
Assertiveness
can be tricky. It’s that fine line between being self-assured and
confident without coming across as aggressive or rude. Assertiveness is
required from us in countless situations in life, from work to
relationship issues.
Practicing
it correctly can make you a happier, calmer individual – and as a
result, improve relationships with those around you. We know it's is
easier said than done, so we have comprised a list of 9 practical tips
for assertive behavior in day to day life.
1. Use “I” Statements
After
you've set a goal for the conversation, and have in mind exactly what
it is that you want, its time to get to business. The way you phrase it
is very important. If you would like to express disapproval, it’s better
to use “I” statements rather than “You” statements, which may sound
accusatory and make the other side guarded and defensive.
For
example, instead of saying “You’re always on your phone” you might say
“When you keep your phone out during dinner, it makes me feel
unappreciated”.
2. Use "Part of Me" Statements
When
facing a multitude of choices, or being in a position that you cannot
control, “part of me” statements may work well to communicate it. “Part
of me wishes I could be more available during the day, but part of me
knows that at this certain point it is not possible during work hours”.
In
this way, you present a fuller picture of the situation and make it
clear that – although having boundaries and restrictions – you are not
ambivalent.
3. Mind Your Body Language
This
one may sound obvious, but we often don’t pay enough attention to our
body language. Asserting your opinions or needs may be a little
daunting, but you shouldn’t let your body give you away.
Assertive
body language includes sitting straight, without seeming jerky or
tense, facing the people who you’re talking to directly, and maintaining
appropriate eye contact (no angry glares). Your body should signal
openness – that you’re not afraid of a response but actually welcome it.
Keep your arms relaxed and not crossed, and your hands unclenched. Make
sure your voice is clear and loud enough to be heard.
This way your body will convey the message “I’m OK and you’re OK”.
4. You Have the Right to Say No
Many
people struggle with the seemingly simple practice of saying “no”. It
is perfectly normal, as sometimes refusing can be really difficult. If a
request or an offer clashes with your boundaries or schedule, it’s okay
to just say “no”. Don’t try to minimize, justify or provide back-up for
your decision.
At
the end of the day, some people may be disappointed in you turning them
down, but in the long run, you (and your loved ones) will only benefit
from you not being overbooked or overworked.
5. Apologize Only When You Feel It's Necessary
Similarly to the need of
explaining our “no’s”, sometimes we apologize for things that don’t
require an apology. For example, situations we don’t have control over,
other people’s behavior, etc. Part of practicing assertiveness is
limiting apologies only to situations when they’re actually required – when the other side was hurt, bothered or deceived by your actions.
6. Replace ‘Sorry’ with ‘Thank you’
Courtesy
is important and being assertive is not opposed to being well-mannered.
Consider saying thank you in situations you would have apologized to
keep things positive. For example, you can say ‘Thank you for waiting’
instead of ‘Sorry I’m late’.
7. Be an Active Listener
As
mentioned above, an assertive individual is not afraid of the other
side’s response. May it be in a work environment, or a personal
relationship, healthy communication is key. To be an active listener,
you should pay attention to the person you’re speaking to, do not
interrupt them, and ask clarifying questions.
It
is important to take what the other person is saying seriously and to
practice empathy by actually imagining being in their place.
8. Be Aware of the Consequences of Your Assertive Behavior
Assertive
behavior can sometimes be met with resistance and even anger. This is
okay and does not take away from your right to express your needs and
wants. When being assertive, you will have to take responsibility for
those consequences and understand that they will pass, and they are
preferable to the alternative – bottling up your feelings or opinions
and feeling anxious and resentful.
9. Rehearse
It
may feel silly, but there is no shame in rehearsing what you’re going
to say! You can do it with a friend or relative you trust, or by
yourselves. Being ready will boost your confidence and bring better
results. Keep in mind that the old 'practice makes perfect' saying is
applicable here.
Becoming
assertive will not happen overnight, it takes practice and persistence.
Some days will be better than others, but in the end, it's worth it.